I will say this for the last time for myself to hear.

I am alone now not because of who is willing to listen or be there. I am alone because this is a state of helplessness. This is a feeling of being trapped and a screaming need to be free. To be a blank. To be nothing. To just want to stop knowing, stop feeling, stop.

Press pause and replay when I’m ready. That, I am alone.

The support I need when I feel this way is not what most can give and I accept that. Even though it hurts. What is hurt anyway.

Reprieve.

Nothing I need, you can give. It’s not about you, it’s me. Every single cliche in the book I will regurgitate. Friends, lovers, foes, family, whomever. Every single cliche, every single thing that makes me seem a dramatic.

Like I say before, good times, bad times. These are the bad times and I do not blame anything anyone that I am alone.

This state of mind from which I cannot get my reprieve.

Stop.

Maybe.

Need be.

How can it be?

Oh dear… When can I be a blank? With no knife to my throat, no needle to my vein, no death, no solace, no relief, no reprieve.

I don’t know anymore. For real. I’m the most lost anyone can be.

The cries echo off the walls. No concern warms the heart. No love is enough. The truth of the matter is I now know. I know why. And now that I know, I cannot undo.

Amor et melle et felle est fecundissmismus. Love is indeed rich in both honey and venom.

I kill myself.

Good news, PAY WILL BE IN AT 2pm! WOO HOO! :D

Bad news though, Kenny dropped his Iphone in the toilet. I had nothing to say but this in response, “Oh man…”

Better news again, it’s ALEXIS’ BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION TODAY! It’s her very own… insanely tame Bachelorettes’ night out. I mean, how wild can it get when I’m attached and neurotic. Pfft! Haha. Ok la, I’m feeling pretty good after religiously eating my meds all day. I believe I’ll make it out of the house in good health today! xD

Bad news once more, I am so hungry for yummy food. :( So so hungry. SO SO HUNGRY. :( I can sense a binge feed once I recover. Not good ya. Not good at all.

Okay. Back to sleep again!

I think the sore throat is better now. I still got a pretty gruff voice. Been sleeping all day. Auntie Elsie been taking good care of me, sending me to the doctor all. :/ The meds I’m taking now are pretty strong, hopefully I’ll be all good by tomorrow. Need to really clear alot of work. I’m so worried about the mountains of work to do once I get back.

And tomorrow is Alexis’ birthday celebration. I hope I really get well with all this rest and meds. One of the meds are giving me heart palpitations and a dizzy head while the cough mixture (they said Codeine wasn’t good enough) is so much stronger and it’s knocking me out.

I just took my second 10ml of the mixture and for now I can still concentrate. In about ten minutes… I’m just… Dead.

Photos of my favourite woman and Rubs (okok, don’t kill me Ruby). I really love hanging with them really. Friends through the good times and bad. I mean, lets be honest, we’ve all been pissed with each other before. :)

Never doubt your real friends ‘cos they’re seriously the best. HUGS. I mean, get angry if you have to, do a little self reflecting and then just say sorry and move on. I forgot this phrase, “Side you first, hammer you later.”

<3

Sometimes I get so caught up I forget about the good times. Thank God for the wonderful invention – the camera. :]

I tend to forget we’ve had our fair share of fun moments too.

I think I haven’t blogged about them yet, but I should. I met this couple, Dongyu (Kenny’s army mate) and Jacklyn who have guided me along the rocky path of relationship horrors. Always the kind ones to set me straight and kick me in the right direction. :) I am thankful for them and their faith in working things out. <3 Love you two.

This two really give me hope. They’ve had their fair share of relationship woes very similar to mine and Kenny’s and they’ve made it this far – 3 years. I’m impressed. And I really appreciate that no matter what they keep encouraging me to be sane, be cool and be focused on the big picture. I think not many people are able to give such wise advice. :)

I was so down today about my parents and their divorce. For some reason it’s starting to affect me again. So I smsed Kenny about being so alone. And he told me not to because he’s there, sort of. That really made me smile a little. :)

I think its pretty testing to be in a relationship so young. I am very young and so is he and I believe it will take a good deal of ourselves to make it work. I am aware this is no easy task. It’s always going to be trying but there will be happy moments and it’s my onus to use the good times to move forward and do the right thing during the darker periods. We must nurture each other. :) That is one thing Dongyu and Jacklyn has been actively reminding me.

It’s good to have friends who believe in a higher being. Especially in all this chaos. It is particularly calming and humbling to be occasionally thrown reminders that God is always waiting to help, if only I wanted to accept him.

I lost my voice. Have been feeling a little down due to the time of the month, daily mish-mash of things that really shouldn’t be affecting me because it’s not even my business, sick, no voice, have a constant headache and everything, sad, really just blue.

At this point I’m looking at whatever I can remember in slow motion and I just feel an indescribable hollow feeling.

I feel like the little mermaid.

Trapped in a world I don’t belong. Lost my voice in all sense. Alone with a man, who’s from a different world. A man I love hoping he understands me even though I have no voice to say the way I feel. And I am no different from bubbles crashing onto shore, if we don’t make it.

You know what’s funny… I wrote two painful paragraphs of truth. And they will never make it out because the moment I published them, the internet ate them up.

Looks like I really am mute. In all sense of the word.

OMG! 31st is in 2 days! I am so anxious! Tomorrow’s the last day to sort out the kinks!

I gained back all the weight I lost and more. I’m feeling a little upset about letting myself get this huge. :(

It’s okay, just need to run more again… I’ve been so tired this week and last week. I guess with the event just around the corner, I can barely stop binging too.

I mean, some people will bitch about their friends but you know at the end of the day it’s just harmless bitching and they accept you for who you are anyway.

And some who just bitch because they’re bitches.

- Loo Lesbo

She really said it like it is. This one’s going out to all mah bitches!

On the advice she gives Lisa regarding men:

I always tell my Lisa she should marry the man who loves her. It doesn’t matter if he’s losing his hair or is overweight or is at a bar every night…or if he forgets your birthday and annive…rsary…All that matters is that nothing means anything to him but you.

- Marge Simpson, PLAYBOY

Kenny did an amazing job with his room. He drilled in the TV and got it mounted on the wall and he put in the new shelving because the old one was splintered due to the TV weighing on it all the time before it got mounted. Amazing. Amazing job. :]

Cleaned up his room and all, now so clean. I’m so happy.

But he fell sick. He’s was and still is fighting a fever… and you can tell ‘cos he lost a lot of weight this week. Hopefully he’ll be better by this evening… Don’t know how he’s going to camp in this state. :x

Thankfully his dad made him get his blood test done. He’s usually so reluctant to do anything like visit a doctor. He’s strangely compliant this week. Good thing too. His fever was pretty high…

Somedays I wonder, why I chain myself up, when you aren’t even holding the key?

I’m holding the key for you, claiming I’m all locked up just for you. But you don’t need me that way, so why do I do that to myself?

I wish I could be free like you. Because it hurts me to be locked up, bend myself to your will which isn’t really yours, just mine. Hoping you’d love me or appreciate me more if I do so. But that’s never what you want.

I want to be free. Really truly free. But I can’t be and I don’t know whats wrong with me.

Who doesn’t miss being madly deeply in love. But who can turn back time? No one. Life goes on, relationships develop and they never are the same again.

It’s one thing to wish something, it is another thing to want it bad enough to have it again because it’s hard loving. It’s hard taking the hurt and reassuring yourself that things will be okay, it very difficult looking through the times and telling yourself that if you stay the course, if you stop making maybes and what ifs and just love true and all, things will work out.

It’s tiring ya? When is it out of habit and when is it still love?